and then there were 2...

This has been a bit of rough week, with Lisa and Caro having left and me getting the cold&flu thingy... While I miss Caro and Lisa in the house, it was more a reminder that I too am leaving on a jetplane. And all too soon. I keep thinking, I only have a week left, I only have 6 days left...etc. And I know that saying goodbye will bring lots of tears for me. Especially with the close friends I have made here and with Josue. No matter how bad the program thinks I am for having fallen in love, its been one of the most special and beautiful things that has happened to me in my life and something I am very sorry to have to leave.

But before I get the water works going about all that, Josue and I are going to Guadalajara this weekend. Leaving tonight and coming back Sunday night. It has to be a short trip since he has to work today and Monday but Im looking forward to getting to know another part of Mexico and to meeting his Dad!

Then I will come back have Mon Tues Wed and then return on Thursday. I can't believe how this year has flown by. I feel like I have grown and learned so much from everyone here. I hope I can find a way to incorporate it in the US and continue my friendships and relationships. Just wanted to give a little heads up to what has been going on before I get back. If I don't write again, I shall see you all in less than a week!

All my love.

It's so hard to say goodbye...

We have officially finished our time at the guardera and while I feel happy for how much the kids have advanced, I likewise, feel a sadness for leaving. I have learned and grown so much with working in this community and it is something I will never forget. I hope I can come back and visit so as to keep them alive in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa and I with Paquita our Boss and friend at the Guarderia

While we haven't said our final goodbyes to Paquita and our co-workers, we had our last day as Maestras and turned in our smocks. The tears started flowing and there wasn't words to explain our appreciation toward the Guarderia.

The 3rd year students dancing as part of their graduation ceremony.

The last day entailed a graduation ceremony for the kids heading off to elementary school and the recieving of certificates for the students who excelled over the year. We ate together, shed a few tears together and celebrated a completed year.

While I was struggling to find the words to say goodbye to my kids, I thought, am I really never going to see these little ones ever again? An entire year of sharing with these amazing kids, smiles, hugs, "I love yous," tears and scratches. A year of some struggles and difficulties but in the end, it was worth it. Every single one of those kids I grew to love, for who they were, for their hyperactiveness, for their shyness, for their ability to always make me laugh. The Guarderia has been a very important and special part of my life here in Mexico and now the realization is setting in that I am going home. I may never see these kids again, but I hope that I may have made the slightest bit of difference in their life, even if it was only learning their ABCs. I however, will keep their love and joy guarded with me forever.

Here are a few photos, from the end of the year lion project with my class:

all my peace and love.

July,

Just wanted to let everyone know, I bought my ticket home and will be back in Chicago August 5th.

On another note, things are kind of winding down a bit here. Everyone has bought their tickets home. The guarderia finishes on friday and after that I will be pretty open. Im planning on going to the Missionaries of Charity with Caro as much as I can, being in the parish, hopefully getting some exercise and applying for more jobs. I have been steadily applying and luckily have had one response but to be on the safe side, Im going to keep applying. Im hoping to be able to jump into a job soon after being back. But we shall see where life takes me.

Im feeling a little stressed and sad about things finishing here but I am trying to enjoy every moment with the kids, with my friends, in the parish and with Josue. This weekend was Josue's 26th birthday so we went and saw the new twilight movie Eclipse! It was really a great day. But we are hoping to be able to have a party when his stomach is back in shape after being sick. I don't have very many other plans for the month but Im hoping to get out and explore the city some more.

This weekend, Padre threw a 4th of July BBQ for us. It was a nice gathering with close friends and delicious hamburgers! I ate 2!!! haha. It was a nice way to share in our culture and holidays too.

No more exciting stories but I will try and write again soon and keep you updated on my last month and my return home. Love you all. Take care.

Turning a new leaf

May has come to and end and I fear time will continue to pass at an insanely fast rate. However, while my time is a tickin', things have really been turning around.

The last couple weeks have allowed me to really throw myself into my relationships here and my community activities. Hedi and I have started to get to know each other and have been enjoying nice conversations during the school day. I'm learning each day that we are very different people but enjoying the friendship that has been building. Hedi is from a pueblo 6 hours away from D.F., where her husband and family live. She lives here in D.F. during the week and heads home every weekend, to visit her family and husband. While she doesn't seem to love travelling 12 hours every weekend, she confesses that its worth it to have a job and get to see her husband. While we may have grown up in very different worlds, it seems at the end of the day we both have a passion for working with the kids and trying to provide them the best of opportunities. I still miss Ariana but its nice to feel like I have someone to talk to again. Especially when im stuck thinking for an hour or two while drawing out the kids classwork.

I have also tried my hardest to throw myself completely into community activities and gatherings. I don't think I ever avoided them or didn't participate fully, however now I feel like I need to soak up every last minute since I won't be here after July. Eating and conviviendo (literally, living together) after mass every sunday has found a new meaning. Sometimes there is not anything exciting happening or anything to talk about but merely being there has provided a new joy and distraction from leaving. I have also spent great time with my friends Ricardo, Veronica, Andrea (and family) recently. As well as being invited to get togethers at Josues house with his family. Sometimes just sitting talking in front of the church, other times going to the center or watching a movie, but each moment is something to remember from my time here in Mexico and hopefully relationships that I can keep long after my time here.

This past Saturday we had a quinceañera for one of our good friends Abby. She had been planning and talking about her party for over a year and it was great to finally see it all come together. While all parties have their little glitches, I think it went over great and was a lot of fun. She really deserved to have something so special and it was nice to be a part of it.

I have started building my resume and planning moving home. While I still feel sad to go, im also getting a little more excited about the future that is ahead of me. So many possibilites... Trying to stay with this positive attitude. See the Joy. Don't let the man get you down.

lots of love.

leaving... on my mind

I've been pretty bummed the last few weeks about leaving Mexico. Every great moment I have with another person seems to be overshadowed by a sense of sadness, that these moments will not be continued throughout my next year.

As well, I have started the process of looking for a place to live, considering and gathering info for entering grad school and thinking about looking for work. All of which are heavy things to consider. But after a really rough day, I remember why I am here. Not to feel sorry for myself, but to give myself to the community. To serve and live together. While I can't ignore the difficulty of this big change I can't waste my last two and a half months here dwelling on it.

I need to enjoy every moment. Capture every second and make sure that I get the most out of this year. I'm not sure how exactly but I will try my hardest.

Moments such as:

- Unexpectedly running into a friend outside the parrish and talking and listening to what has been happening in her life for over an hour.

- Riding the bus home, after a long day and running into a friend.

- Trying so hard not to smile when Im supposed to be punishing one of the boys in class.

- Getting hugged by the whole class and almost falling over.

- Seeing one of the girls in my class who refused to eat, start eating for the first time.

- Having Padre, my boss and the nuns all run to our defense when told we were going to be leaving.

Just a few examples of little things. Unexpected moments that you have to take a second to realize how great they are. These moments may not be huge, and I know Im not changing the world, but these are the moments that make life more bearable and enjoyable for all of us.

Thanks for listening. All my Love.

Living one day at a time

The past two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks that I have had here so far. I think people are right when they say that bad things come in three's.

First Ariana quits the Guarderia. Then I get super horribly sick- vomitting until nothing was left and chest pains and horrible stomach pains. Apparently I had an inflammed colon or something weird and gross like that. Thirdly, I get told I'm not welcomed back into the program.

To explain a little more in detail, Ariana has been put on bedrest in her pregnancy because of personal reasons. I completely understand this and support her 100% but I miss her. She was my best friend here. One of the few people that I felt really okay to speak open and freely too, and she always gave me tons of advice. Along with missing her friendship and support, I really miss her presence in the classroom. I am currently teaching alone. I have the plan of what I have to teach but I create the lesson and teach it by myself. Another teacher shows up after a couple hours and tries to help me but ultimately I am doing most of the work. It has been difficult. I love having more of a role in the Guarderia but It is a bit exhausting.

As for getting sick, well the important part is that Im feeling better. Im trying to follow a really tasteless healthy diet. But since Ive been feeling better its been hard to follow.

Last and hardest of all has been finding out I am not staying. I was told that my spirtual life is not what they want from the program. Im not sure how the program is really familiar with this since they did not talk to anyone in the community. Honestly my suspicions lead me to question whether it is my spiritual life or the fact that I have a boyfriend that is the "problem." I don't want to bash the program but I am very hurt by the way my time here has been cut. I have given Santa Fe all that I can, I had been wanting to create a new program and most importantly I had devoted all of my time toward building stronger friendships. It has been difficult going around one by one telling everyone that not a single missionary will be welcomed back from our house. More importantly has been explaining to them that it's not that we don't want to stay but they we are not being allowed. It has been flattering to find out that everyone wants us to stay and are trying to find a way for us to stay. I just don't feel ready to leave here yet. Im still building relationships, learning where I can help out and growing in my spanish and community.

It will be nice to see all of you. However, I hope you understand my sadness in leaving a place that has my heart right now. I hope with time to feel at peace with all of this.


Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
- Serenity Prayer

All my Love.

Next Year...

Well, Im not welcomed back next year. And I couldn't be more crushed...

looks like Im coming home.

A much needed Retreat (MARCH)

I've mentioned how I spent a week in Cuernavaca on Retreat. The Missionaries came down from Monterrey and it was nice to see them again. The weeks before I had been feeling a need for a change, and wasn't feeling very useful at the Guarderia.

We started off here in Santa Fe, shwoing everyone around and had a meal after 1 o'clock mass at the Parish. We invtied the boyfriends and shared in a nice meal with all of the regulars at the Parish.

Then we headed to Cuernavaca the next day with Brother Brian the leader of our retreat and began. The retreat house was beautiful and for the first time in nearly 9 months I had a room of my own! The opportunity to discuss our experience in service with each other helped to alleviate some stress and insecurities about our work. I felt a strong excitement right away remembering why I am here and encouraging myself to not give up finding my role and using my abilities to serve the community. It also helped to identify and discuss injustices that we have seen, and discussing our roles in how we can work towards changing this. It was a nice break and a really great sharing with the other missionaries.

But wow, was Cuernavaca beautiful. I would love to go back again!

Living Simply- Circa February 20thish

For the first time in my life I walked through a market and realized that I could not afford to buy a single thing in there. And honestly, I did not like the feeling. And immediately I thought, is this how poor people feel? only, All the time?? I can't begin to imagine how "the poor" feel on a daily basis. And I realize, how much I've taken for granted. All the things I've been given. A stable home, food, presents for birthdays and holidays, even simple things like a new pair of shoes or a toothbrush. Things such as going to the movies or buying a treat, feeling like a waste of money and not an enjoyable thing, when you realize there are more important things to buy.

I am by no means trying to say that I am poor, but living on $80 a month has shown me a life that I really never knew before. Where sometimes at the end of the month sacrifices have to be made. When buying medicine takes away 1/4 of your month, money goes fast and luxuries start to get put on the back burner.

I must admit, I've always been the type of person that would choose a night with friends over a night in with a book. But here, it is proving difficult.

But this is the life I chose, possibly the life I will always have. To be in solidarity. To understand being grateful for food, a house and community. To remember the insignificance of money but knowing the importance of living.

Retreat

Hey all,

Just to let you know I will be on retreat in Cournavaca (spelling?eek), this sunday the 14th until the following Sunday March 21st. Im not sure if Im going to have internet access and probably won't have skype. But keep the emails coming and if I do I will write to you all and read yours.

I will write more when I return.

M R

Hello Sunshine!

First, I want to apologize for my horrible lack of communication the last few weeks. The Visa offices have not only been occupying my time but also my thoughts.

It's hard to believe tthat ive already been here 6 months. The last month felt as if it didn't even happen. Jess and I successfully went to the second Visa office Thursday. While the nubmer and length of lines was a little scary at first, we passed through the lines and got everthing turend in and paid. However, the first office seriously frustrated me by miscommunication for the necessity of another letter needed. Luckily we were able to get everything and turn it in. I now need to wait 2 weeks and return to the office and then continue on to a third office. I feel relieved for the moment however, the process is frustrating and exhuasting and im ready to be done.

Caro has been gone the last two weeks and the house has been pretty quiet. I missed out late night before bed chats. The good news is Im feeling more and more at home here. I spent the last couple weeks cooking, cleaning and more importantly socializing in the community. I am feeling more comfortable in teh church community and I am enjoying "conviviendo" (living and sharing time together). I h feel friendships growing and feel more secure in my life here. Also with Caro in the US I have been desiring a visit home or a visit from a friend or family memer here. It looks like i will have a couple weeks of vacation in the end of july and am mentally planning a trip back to Chicago. I can't handle staying and not visiting. I did have a really exciting surprise of recieving a package from Hannah that lifted my spirits. She took my love of warmth iln Knee socks to a whole new level in thigh high socks! Haha. As well, Bob sent me an insanely fantastic CD!! I miss new music!!
I also recieved letters from Ashley and Jackie in the last few weeks that brightened up my days.

Things at the Guarderia are going well. However, I have been desirring a more important role in something here. I am going to attempt to start a new program but need to make a proposal and plan before I expose it to the public. I do help at the Guarderai but also spend a lot of time waiting for something to do. However, the kids always love to see me and if I miss a day they are excited when I return. And me too.

Things with Josue and I are really fantastic. We went to Couacan this weekend for the day and bought bracelets, a scarf, ate ice cream and people watched. Its a touristy area but it was a lot of fun to go with him and look around and take pictures and spend the day in the nice sun. I also heard a few people speaking english which always excites me. I really had a fantastic day and I will have to post some pictures again soon. I can't wait to find the next place to explore with him.


On coming here I had wanted to stay for a year and a half but my contract was only made for one year. Seeing as how fast this 6 months has gone, Im not ready to leave in August. Therefore I am planning on staying more time. I would still like to stay a year and half total, but if that won't be possible I will stay for another year. Im not ready to leave. Although I'm not sure with my loans if I can afford to stay that long. I really hope it works out.

Sorry again for the lateness. Hopefully this month I will have lots to write about with the retreat and with easter. A huge Passion play is going to take place that they have been practicing for since January 1st!

Please keep me updated in your lives and throw comments at me. I hope you all know how much I miss and love you!!


Be safe. Have fun! Be kind.

Ive seen better days...

Today is cold and rainy.

I recieved the swine flu shot (influenza) and my head has been hurting since. Not sure if that is related...

I have also literally been freaking out for 2 weeks about my visa. I now have 5 days to finish this or I leave the country. My last letter (Sent from Chicago) should arrive tomorrow, and then I will have to go friday. I will have 4 days to get to 2 offices three times or I get the boot, or a late fee. Im not really sure at that point. Im really getting down to the wire here. And starting to freak out.

Missing my family and friends and strugging to stay positive. Im having trouble focusing on what is going on here, and feeling again like maybe this wasn't meant to be. Wishing I had some way to know it would all work out. Because of all my worrying, Im having trouble focusing on work and my mission. Putting my thoughts and planning for new things on hold and trying to enjoy being at work.

Happy Ash Wednesday.

p.s. they use stamps to put the ashes on your forehead. They are perfect crosses.

Update coming again soon.

Unwelcome in Mexico

Last week, unforunately was another hard week. I went to the Mexican government office, feeling very nervous, but hopeful that this Visa process wouldn't be as horrible as they say it is. However, immediately upon entering I knew this guy meant business and that it was NOT going to be easy. Apparently rules have changed and I was not informed of needing my letter from Loyola University Ministry to be Notarized with a Certificate of Authenticity. WHAT?! Where this came from I have no idea. None of the other missionaries had to do this. Not only is this necessary, but I have 3 weeks to do it, or its Adios to Mexico. Ok so not forever, but If I do not get this done by February 23rd I must leave Mexico and return again. And let me tell you, I did not save up to leave the country every six months and stay on a Tourist Visa... So, as being my second time not getting my visa for uncontrollable reasons, I am seriously frustrated. This process has left me feeling pretty helpless and misguided. And feeling like, maybe its just not meant to be for me to be here in Mexico, since this never seems to work out. And the sad thing is, I want to be here. I don't want to leave. I am finding my place, slow but surely. Learning patience in all aspects and attempting to find new roles here.

Ok, so I must admit this Visa thing is not the end of the world. But I feel very worried and nervous regardless. I can not do anything in Mexico and must leave my fate in the hands of others... I am trying, impatiently, to wait for these items. And asking favors of many around me in order to get the letter in Chicago sent ASAP. I feel very guilty having to ask this again of the same person... But I guess there is nothing I can do. But wait. And hope. And pray.

I couldn't be more grateful for the help that I am recieving from friends and family in the U.S. And even a couple here in Mexico. I know this will all work out in the end, but I wish that it could have gone differently.

I am trying to let my frustration go. Because I still have work to do here. I still have to find a bigger role here. A role that is mine. Not just in the Guarderia. But in the community. I am finding my Spanish is getting better everyday and I am beginning to find conversation easier and less nerve racking. Now is time for grabbing on to my faith and trusting that what is meant to happen will happen...

When did it become February??

Since I last wrote there have been few updates from here. However, this past week was a rough one at the Guarderia. A new student came, on a day when I was teaching Solo (Wednesday). From the second she stepped in the room it became obvious that her assimilation to the classroom was not going to come as easy as the other newbies. She refused to let go of her Grandma's hand and would not say hello to me nor the class. After 15 minutes of the girl throwing a fit and refusing to stay, they left the classroom and came back and left her in the room with the door firmly shut. Needless to say her dislike for our room had not disappeared and she began a huge tantrum involving scream crying and non stop questioning to be let out of the room. She told me several times that I scared her and would not stop crying. I must admit I was really taken aback by the girl's reaction to me, I have never had a kid tell me they were afraid of me or not want to talk to me. So I decided the best thing to do was to leave her alone and let her have her fit and pay attention to the other class. I had already tried introducing her, having the kids say hello, talking about how the first day was scarey and how we all going to be nice to her and make her feel welcome, but she did not want to be there. After about an hour the computer teacher came and to get a break from the crying I let her go. But then she refused to come back, running and hiding in the kitchen closet. After computer she tried climbing out the window and continued the crying. Needless to say it was an exausting day and even the kids admitted to having headaches and being tired of listening to her cry... What was I to do? I left for the day, completely drained and not wanting the new student to return thursday.
However, as I waited out front of the guarderia, I noticed she had not only returned, but was wearing the uniform, a sign that she was planning to stay. On the second day, it was worse. Luckily Ariana was with me. But the girl refused to sit down, tried to climb out the window all day long and proceed to start hitting Ari. Every teacher at the Guarderia was exhausted and not wanting this girl to stay. After my second exhausting day with her, I went home feeling really unhappy about the new addition to the Guarderia and its change in dynamic. But yet, I returned to the Guarderia on friday to find the new student in the middle of her tantrum. However, unfortunately, it took the new girl knocking stuff down of shelves and cutting her arm to make her calm down. She then sat quietly all day, minus the constant questioning of when her mom was going to come and if she could go to recess and take her back pack home. While I still had a little pent up annoyance becuase of the previous two days, I tried to be encouraging and nice to the new girl. By the end of the day, Ariana and I realized that she was most likely staying since she was starting to behave and realize we had to change our attitude. It was now time to accept her as a classmate and give her positive reassurance to make things work.
I must admit, a part of me really did not want this little girl to stay. And while I know she is only 4 years old, I was exhausted and maybe a little hurt by her dislike and supposed fear of me. However, Im here as a missionary. Im here to love the community. To love these kids, even the bad ones. And now, my attitude is changing. I am trying to find my patience with the new student, and remember she is just a little girl, wanting her mom. Yes, she started off really bad in our classroom, but hopefully we will be playing and making new positive memories from here on out. And remembering that the hardest things are usually the things most worth it.

Today, we have off of work because it is a national holiday, and I am taking today to catch up with friends and family and rest in order to come back ready for a good day. I will be teaching alone again tomorrow and I hope that things will go well. This week I begin my trek through several offices and lots of paperwork to get my Visa to be able to stay in Mexico. Im hoping that it will not be as horrible as it was for the girls last year. Wish me luck and let me know if you have any tips.

This is all for now. Love you and thanks for listening.

Back to Work and Dia de Los Reyes Magos (3 Kings Day)

Im back at work and this week is starting out great. I have been catching up with a lot of friends who I haven't talked to in a long time and hope to catch up with more. Last week was the first week back to work and unfortunately very few kids came back to school.

3 kings day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, was last week and while some were there to share in the holiday many were home playing with their family. The first week back was a really calm one. Our class only had 6 students last week. But Dia de Los Reyes was a lot of fun to share with the kids. The day before, the kids wrote letters to the Reyes saying what presents they wanted (or in our kids cases drew pictures of the toys they wanted). Then the kids tie the letters on to the end of a balloon and send them up in the sky for the Reyes. All the kids were so excited to send the balloons up in the sky and I must admit it was one of the most adorable fantastic things I have been able to watch here in Mexico. After releasing them, all of the kids sat on the ground and watched the balloons until they were so small they couldn't see them anymore. I kept asking kids which balloon is yours and they would go, that green one right there! haha. The kids also got to break the piñatas shaped like Winnie the Pooh and Snow White. These ones even had candy in them! (Sometimes they have fruits and other foods).

Then the next day, the actual Dia de los Reyes Magos. Only a few kids showed up. But It was a fun day. The kids recieved presents at the Guarderia (donated)and we were able to part the Rosca. La Rosca is a type of bread that is a big circle and that his little baby Jesus toys inside of it. Each person has to cut off the piece and if they find the Baby in the piece that they cut or showing in the next one, they have to make tamales and bring them in on February 2nd (I think?). Well, guess who got the baby in here piece of Rosca at the Guarderia? If you said, Me, then you are correct. haha. They said Im supposed to make Tamales by hand, I said, okay, so who's going to come to my house and show me how to make these?? At first it seemed like a silly tradition but after cutting three Roscas, the second in our house with our english class, and the third in Josue's house with his family. I realized how much fun it is. All of the traditions here revolve around getting together with your family and friends. This tradition and the finding of the baby, just gives everyone another reason to get together and celebrate and of course EAT!

The week was filled with lots of celebrating, but unfortunately very few kids... It was a nice easy week back from our 2 weeks off. And it reminded me how much I enjoy working there and getting to play with the kids and talk and get to know the teachers that work there.

The last week there was a lot more kids and now we are back to 12 kids. 3 kids have not returned from break and are suspected to never return..sad they were very enjoyable ones.

Lisa and Jess are having their parents in town this week. I must admit, I'm pretty jealous and while Im happy they get to see their family it really makes me miss mine. I can't stop thinking about how I would like to go home and visit at some point this year... Im hoping to make that happen. Maybe for my birthday... Im hoping to get some pictures of lisa's for Dia de los Reyes. But for now here is an old overdue, update.

Love you all and miss you. Remember to keep me updated!